with a stranger

hope you’ll be okay

he said I could do whatever I want
so I did
and created a cmb profile

put up my best and most prized-possessioned pictures
that I showed to him
because why not

got two matches so far
a few compliments about my smile
I really like my smile too,
thank you.
and I’ve come to realize that.
I’m also very cute
😔✌️✌️

anyways
first chat with Tim
felt like I got shot
with a cupid’s arrow.
not really lovestruck
but it was a very fast-paced conversation

knows about my virginity already
and sexual need..????
HUH???
asked to meet up with me
within the first 5 minutes of texting
WHAT???????

and then encouraged me to
not go out if I’m not comfortable
also do lose my virginity
on my own terms
I’m still young and beautiful he said
cute
worth the chat
even said to call him
I’m like ??????

anyways
don’t think it ended very well
he knows I’m an overthinker now
even without me saying so

I like his face tho
and straight-forwardness
kinda can’t stop thinking about him
if I text him again
would that be weird?
see I’m overthinking again.

obviously we’re not looking for the same things
he wants casual dating, fwb
I don’t.
is that the end of our conversation then?

and what’s up with
29 year olds that have no commitment
maybe I’ll find out
once I’m 29.

I feel like I should write this down
even though it makes me uncomfortable
or maybe seeing that
so many people have been speaking up about it recently
and feeling that I have to say something about it
just because.
it was something about protecting Asian women
why am I so disinterested?
when that is what I am part of?
who I am?
I am an Asian woman.

racism
every day I take it for granted
how I have never experienced racism
just little tid bits here and there
that I never really noticed
and only dug up from my memory
little moments of feeling uncomfortable
but brushing it aside
with a smile and chuckle
like it was a good joke
oblivious.

elementary school
it wasn’t towards me
but it was towards MJ
korean
some kids came and said
“ching chong ling long”
I think I stood up for her
I hope I did.

high school
Cantonese sounds so ugly
said aloud from a mainland Chinese person
I know there’s tension
I’m not really knowledgable
or feel too concerned about it
but I should be
because that is my homeland
but I get so frustrated
that there’s so much judgement
from both sides towards each other
xenophobia?
internalized racism?

college
Blake from ear piercing shop
oh you’re Chinese
something about my parents
I don’t really remember
but I talked down on them
saying they’re traditional
conservative
trying to make me seem like
I’m one of you
modernized
rebellious
getting ear piercings

roommate in Texas
from Michigan
her dad asking the difference about
Hong Kong and China
and after explaining
so you’re still Chinese right?
midly frustrated
it’s okay
they’re just not educated
oblivious
me going to Korean grocery market
J asking if I went to the Chinese market
or asking if what I’m cooking is Chinese food
why do you just assume
everything is Chinese
it’s okay
they’re just not educated
oblivious

B’s family
her mother talking about M their cat
doesn’t he look Chinese?
I laughed
because he kind of does…?
just because he has beautiful eyes
her father
we were listening to Come On Aileen
he started to make random puns and jokes about names
first one being an Asian lady
with no leg
Aileen
because she leans on one side
it wasn’t really funny
why did it have to be an Asian lady?
oh ignore him they said
and he tried to lighten the atmosphere
by making other puns and jokes with different names
laughed it off again
oh they’re allowed to talk like this
because their distant grandma has a little Chinese in her
doesn’t dad and brother look a little Asian?
they’re allowed to talk like this.
no you’re not.
just because you have a little Chinese in your blood
doesn’t give you the right to be
poking and making fun of us
nonchalantaly
they’re not bad people
it’s just what they’re used to
I guess
and that just makes me
uncomfortable

a few days ago
lady customer in front of me at the post office
post office worker was an Asian lady
customer lifted her mask away from face
to ask for whatever service she needed
worker told her to put her mask back on
customer didn’t hear cleary
and asked for the service again
worker said a bit louder that she needed her mask on
customer dramatically put her mask back on
covering over her eyes lol
and yelled aloud for the service
worker told her
that if she was going to treat her with that attitude
she will refuse to give her service
and left

customer waited in the same spot for a few minutes
turned around to me and said
oh I’ll probably have to wait for the other worker
and I said
oh it’s okay
and then she said
the Asian worker is treating her like
we’re in China
when this is America
and I didn’t respond
but just stood there
surprised
dumbfounded
excuse me?
lady you’re complaining to me
but I’m techinically from China
or Hong Kong
whatever, I know there’s that drama
but that’s for another time
and also you’re automatically assuming that
she’s from China
lol

anyways
she goes into the next worker
and complains to him saying that
something needs to be done about that Asian worker
she’s treating her like we’re in China
when we’re in America
the man said
well she’s American too
and the customer says she needs to speak to the manager
what a Karen lol

she goes and talks to the manager
and when she leaves
another woman who was lining up behind me
says to the customer
along the lines of
you’ll be treated how you treat people
I don’t remember the exact phrase
but she stood up to her
while I just said nothing the whole time

the Asian worker came back out
the customer behind me said
hi honey! are you okay?
at that moment
I felt dissapointed in myself
guilty
I should have done something
I should have told her that it was wrong for her
to generalize and make racist comments about
her being treated like we’re in China
what do you know about China?
you’ve never even been there.
I should have spoken up
instead of laughing it off
saying it’s okay
being quiet

I am an Asian woman too
but why don’t I have the courage to speak up about it
stand up for myself
for the rest of us
am I just going to be on the sidelines
for the rest of my life
brushing it off
staying uncomfortable?

moments like these can happen at any time
they’re happening right now
and it doesn’t have to be a viral YouTube video
or a news report
moments like these can happen to anyone of my family
at any second of the day
but will I continue to
just ignore it
bury it in my mind
as an uncomfortable memory?

I am lucky to not have experienced
intense cases of racism so far
but just because I haven’t
doesn’t mean my sisters and brothers aren’t
I have to educate myself
learn to be courageous
to stand up for us

but I get irritated about it sometimes
just like any other social justice topics
people feeling the need to speak up about it
just because everyone else is talking about it
some sort of pressure
the need to vocalize about it
and if you’re not talking about it
you’re not supporting it
these kind of things
turn me off
away from issues that are truly important
in need of being concerned about
but I’m making up excuses
to look pass them
treating it like how I viewed veganism in high school
hated them for following the trend
and now it’s understandable

it’s not about being a
social justice warrior anymore
it’s time to realize that
this is real
and I am apart of this
racism

asking about my non-existent sex life
thoughts on sex
getting hard
wanting to cuddle
when you still had a girlfriend

girlfriend
for so long she wasn’t your girlfriend
girlfriendnotgirlfriend
someone you were just seeing
she thinks you’re funny
she just really likes your d
you have commitment issues

condoms
you thought so clearly at first
you agreed to use a condom
just to be safe
that was when it felt like you really liked me then.
but then
you wanted to fuck me raw
even for just a few seconds
20 seconds
because it makes you feel good
so I push my boundaries
twist my thoughts
think it’s hot to be fucked raw
and now I’ll let you cum in me.
always practice protective sex
any guy who is not willing to wear a condom
or makes excuses for it
they’re not worth it
they’re a walking STD

just get it over with
you think clearly for a second
say it would be the best if we stopped flirting
we should have stopped it after the first time we sexted
I shouldn’t let you take my virginity
oh, but wait
I took birth control
you don’t want it to go to waste
so why don’t we just fuck one time
get it over with

meaningless sex
you have a sex appointment after work
with the new girl
she’s cute
she wants your d
but it’s just meaningless sex
you’ll have sex with her today
and sex with me next week.
does that even make any fucking sense?
do you expect me to sit around, be still
knowing that you’re having sex with someone
and welcome you back with my pussy open for you?
so you say you were stupid
you don’t know what you were thinking.
but you keep pushing me
saying you’ll have sex with her
oh, you were just joking
sorry babe

babe
why do you call me that?
do you go around calling everyone babe?
don’t you know the weight of these words of affection?
don’t you know how special you make me feel when you call me that?
and how special you are to me, now that I’m comfortable calling you that?
and you still say we’re not in a relationship.
what does babe mean to you then?
what does cuddling every night mean to you then?

exclusive relationship
we never agreed to be in an exclusive relationship
and now all of a sudden I’m saying that you can’t have sex with anyone
because we never talked about it?
is that what is normal these days?
to be okay knowing that the person you’ve been flirting with
for the past 6 months
is fucking someone else right now?
all that we’ve built
just thrown away like that

nudes
I’m not comfortable sending pictures of my naked body
you say it’s okay
you’re not pushing me
but you want to see my boobs
and you keep saying that
and you go and look at other girls’ boobs
so then I send you one
and another one
and another
to keep pleasing you
for you to look back on whenever you’re horny
you said you would send me a dick pic
I guess that would have made me feel better
about sending my nudes
but then all of a sudden
you’re shy
so I keep sending and sending
and you keep receiving and receiving.
that day I broke up with you for 2 hours
I asked you to delete them
I’m not comfortable with you having them
you said okay
but after you masturbate to them
so later that night
I ask you again
you said you forgot to delete them
oh right, I remember
you said you’ve saved all the boob pics you’ve received
that’s just fucking creepy
you’re turning 30 years old this year
and you still have a collection of boob pics
disgusting

online dating
will you ever try online dating?
why do you ask that?
aren’t we doing that already?
oh right, we’re not dating
we’re just flirting.
do you want me to try online dating then?
if I want to
because then I won’t have to think you’re cool
what do you mean by that?
are you just saying that to get me to realize
how pathetic you are?
you’re trying to inadvertently tell me
that you just want sex with me
and I deserve more than you?
why else would you ask that
when we’re still doing what we’re doing
our flirting and fighting cycle

inattentive
my birthday
at least the general date
late November
when you went to have sex with another girl
my age
you’re 23?
how many times have you asked that already
my favorite color
oh it’s pastel purple
not it’s not.
it was
but we had a whole night’s worth discussion
on pastel yellow
everything before this
all our conversations before we started flirting
you don’t remember any of it.
maybe I’m just too detail-oriented
maybe it’s true that girls always remember everything
or maybe you’re just selfish and inattentive

bye.
you always say bye so easily
like it’s so natural for you to leave
don’t you know how
clingy and attached to you I am already?
don’t you know that I don’t want you to
abandon me
is this how you’ll be
after you take my virginity?
how could you give up so easily
and let me go like this
why do you say bye intentionally
and make me beg for you to come back?
it hurts me everytime you say
bye.

to be continued…
hopefully not.

let me get this clear.

you just want to have sex with me.
you don’t want to be in any committed relationship with me.
you say that you can’t promise me that you’ll be committed
because you don’t actually want to be with me.
you just want to fuck me
knowing my pussy is tight
extra bonus points
I’m a virgin
it makes you hard thinking that
I haven’t been fucked before
you’ll be the first.
you only want to take my virginity?
I hope that is not your intention.
you just want to have sex with me.

but you feel bad.
you wish that I had a boyfriend before
or I’ve been fucked before
so you don’t feel bad about
being my first everything.

so you play with me.
you say all the things you want to do with me
and make me want the same things too.
I ask to meet with you
willingly giving you my body.
you agree.
but when it comes to the time
you’re hesitant
you suddenly feel tired
lethargic
avoid meeting me.
you feel bad.

I try
I plan everything out
I make sure I washed my hair
put on perfume
wore my best underwear
pluck my pubes
because you like it that way
I try and try
preparing to give you my body

but you’re sleepy.
and I don’t feel wanted anymore
even if I have decided to let you just fuck me
knowing that nothing good will come out of it
you still don’t want me.
because you feel bad.

I remember when I first came home from Texas
you were so excited to meet with me
you were so much more invested
spoke your mind and communicated thoroughly
when we would get into serious conversations

now you’re just too sleepy to talk
and you brush me away
what happened?

we’ve been in this for more than 6 months.
let’s not drag it out any further.

Say you love me

you deserve better
you deserve someone who is
head over heels for you
someone who loves you
and is not afraid to say that
someone who is fully willing to commit to you

someone who understands the boundaries you put
and doesn’t passive-aggressively push you, gaslight you
and makes you feel bad that
he can’t have sex because it’ll hurt your feelings
even though it’s “just meaningless sex”
what is meaningless sex anyways
why can sex be meaningless?
isn’t it supposed to be emotional, intimate
another way of showing love?

you deserve someone who supports you
who is patient
who doesn’t make you feel like
you’re stalling their love and sex life

someone who doesn’t put sex before you
somone who prioritizes developing the relationship
before having sex
instead of having sex
as the determining factor
whether we’ll be together or not

someone who when they call you babe
or any other form of
words of affection
they fully mean it
that you are their’s
and they are your’s
hearts and minds committed
only to each other
someone who won’t throw around that word
so lightly
if it’s really that way
how many other people is he calling babe
is that word not that important to you?

someone who can guarantee you safety
and committment
who won’t leave and throw you aside after taking away
your innocence, your heart, your body, virginity
who won’t treat you like just another body count
just another tight pussy
for his pleasure

someone who doesn’t only ask how much you like them
but also express their love to you
and doesn’t make you feel like
it’s a one-sided chase
and that you’re just another dumb girl
that wants his dick
who is easily accessbile
that he can always go back to
after fucking another girl
who will welcome him back
with open arms
and pussy
because you’ll always still want him
no matter how much he hurts you
you don’t deserve to be played
and be treated like sloppy seconds

someone who you can trust
that won’t make you always think and worry
if he’s flirting with someone else
or fucking someone else right now
or even having the intention to
someone who won’t purposely make you jealous
and test or joke around with you
with saying that he’s going to have sex right now
just because you’re busy

someone that you won’t give up on
and accept that he’s just that way
brush off all his red flags
and change who you are
to agree with his values

someone who won’t give up on you
who won’t say fuck it
and immediately think of contacting
the girl he fucked in November
just because he wants to cum

someone who won’t ruin your day
with just a single comment
who won’t affect you so much
because you are so much stronger than that
you are so much more independent than that
you yourself know who you are
you don’t have to be so shaken by someone like that

someone who you can be fully commited to
because you love him so much
and you won’t have an ounce of desire
to be with someone else
because he’s so much more than
you need or deserve
and you won’t be always thinking about
being with anyone else

that you aren’t only with him
because of the possiblity of having
your sexual fantasies and desires fulfilled
because in the end
anyone can throw you around and fuck you
anyone can get you on all 4s
to take you from behind and spank you
choke and pull your hair
to make you feel good
flip you around
pin you down
lift your legs to make your pussy tighter
and fuck you until they cum in you
make you feel wanted
feel like you’re their’s
only their’s
anyone can be that

but not just anyone
can actually want you
only you
even after the sex
not just anyone can
give you all you need
in a relationship
it’s not all about the sex

you deserve someone who you can confidently say
you want to be with them
not just because you’re feeling horny
and want to have sex with him
but because you’re truly invested in the relationship
and fully trust that they are as well
having no doubts at all

he’s not a bad person
not at all
but he’s not for me
and I not for him
we’re just different people
with different values
different priorities
with similar wants
but different needs
different stages in life
i’m just starting
fragile, emotional, hesitant, careful
he’s been in the game for so long
it’s normal for him to have casual sex
just because it isn’t normal for you
doesn’t mean that he’s wrong
we’re just too different

and he deserves someone better
for him
and you deserve someone better
for you
someone not like him

it’s going to be painful
letting your first…
I can’t even call it relationship
we weren’t ever serious
but it was something
and I can’t dismiss what we had
but you have to make this decision
that you’re both better off without each other
because deeper you both get
the worse the ending will be
the more torn apart you will feel

you need to do this for yourself
you know who you need
and it’s not him
so don’t cling on to him anymore
let him go

https://youtu.be/9uKVI6_Fm4g

just a little something I don’t want to forget

junior year
fall semester
finals week
wake up 4am
make oatmeal
cold
drive to school while it’s still dark
walk towards 24 computer lab
sun is about to rise

listen to debussy
love arabesque
study transport I and thermodynamics
take big poops
cleaning lady

life was kinda good back then

scratch the flower shop.

I have a new dream to work part time in an aesthetic cafe on the weekends (whenever I want) and make pies, cakes with professional whipped cream piping skills, cookies (especially the brownie cookies), madeleines, chocolates, maybe some drinks too while listening to classical music (prelude in c major, arabesque) like nebokgom for fun

“miss you”
what am I supposed to do now

we haven’t even met
no physical connection yet

and I’m already acting this way

how much more will it hurt
if I actually give my body away to you

I don’t think I can handle it

what am I supposed to do